sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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