I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
