I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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