I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
