You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
