Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
