Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
