I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
