It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
