Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
