Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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