Jerry, you need to find god
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
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