We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
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I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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