No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
