My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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