Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I AM VODKA MAN
Let's get the cat blown out
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
