Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Randomize
