i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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