Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
