Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
My penis needs a shock collar
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
