I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Redeem this text for a blowjob
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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