So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
