I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Randomize
