I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
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he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
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He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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