who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
