Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
