I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
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These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
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There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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