I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
