I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
