i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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