when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Randomize