I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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