Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
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today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
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