u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
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i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
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I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.