I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?