Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
It's like God shit irony all over that family
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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