I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
