I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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