This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
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I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
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I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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