You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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