I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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