Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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