I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
My balls are so social today.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
