Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
