i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
