Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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