Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Acid is not a monday night drug
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
