Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
