God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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