I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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