i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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