i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
