apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
