they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
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i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
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dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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