i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
