OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
